What the Dickens?

Great Expectations.

Well, the school bell is about to ring and we’re all set to go. Bags packed, socks rolled up, snowboards waxed and pants turned inside out.

What can we expect from this years winter sojourn I wonder? Let’s look at the facts.

Firstly we start the week with a lovely road trip through the delightful French countryside during early springtime. The opportunity to sample the sights as we cruise down empty autoroutes is one not to be missed. Spring is in the air, the buds are bursting from their winters shell, the birds are singing and hygiene conscious Frenchmen are contemplating a new pair of underpants.

A Tale of Two Cities.

Once we arrive at our destination, the twin resorts of Valloire and Valmeinier the fun really starts. There are plenty of runs to explore, nineteen greens, twenty five blues twenty one reds and eight cheeky blacks to complete the set. The boys, keen to let their OCD* tendencies flourish, plan to try and “Bag” as many of them as possible. There are nine mountain restaurants “Chop Houses” if you will, which we also plan to visit as part of the overall mountain experience. Our only hope is that there aren’t too many mogul runs. These are normally fairly steep pistes which our skier friends, for reasons best known to themselves then turn into “The Devils Goosbumps”. Suffice to say most snowboarders find them tedious and unnecessary in the extreme.

Bleak House.

Attention now turns to the accommodation and facilities.

The brochure claims “Les Hauts de Valmeinier, built “Chalet-Style”, is situated directly on the slope in the highest part of Valmeinier. Restaurants, supermarkets and sports shops are located nearby. The centre of Valmeinier is only approx 250m away. The accommodation has a pool and fitness room.”

TRANSLATION

“Les Hauts de Valmeinier is a small apartment halfway up a mountain near the top of a lift, close to a recent avalanche. Shops are approx 250m away down a cliff. The accommodation has a pool which will be full of Germans and a gym gathering dust.”

Amusingly the brochure also claims the apartment is “Spacious by French standards”. I think I can now safely reveal, having received all monies for the holiday, that we will be staying in German owned accommodation, hence their withering appraisal of French habitation standards. At least the lifts will be on time.

The swimming pool has caused quite a bit of excitement prior to departure and as is often the case in these sort of resorts, the house rules differ somewhat from the usual British stuff. No bombing, diving, heavy petting etc has been replaced by “Boxer style swim shorts not allowed in pool!” One can only presume this is on grounds of hygiene, although why the French have chosen to go over the top on this item is odd when you consider their usual bohemian approach to personal cleanliness. I guess it’s the German influence again.

Hard Times.

What will the weather be like? Frankly I don’t know. I do expect there to be some snow and some sun, probably a bit of wind as well. I could check with the BBC weather centre, but frankly I’d be better off consulting a bit of seaweed in a jam jar. The best part about going at this time of year is the prospect of sunshine late into the evening something that will allow the boys to rest their weary legs in the evening calm, drink in hand, sunglasses perched jauntily on the forehead and after-sun soothing frazzled skin. Just remember not to fall asleep as it can get a bit parky later on.

The Lazy Tour of Two Idle Apprentices.

And what of our hosts? It’s an interesting part of the world. Whilst in France we’re only a couple of miles from Northern Italy (The smartly attired posh ones). Stranger still, we’ll be surrounded by Germans, something the French and Italians have had a bit more practice at than us. All in all an eclectic mix of nationalities, let’s hope we can all be friends.

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*OCD. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.

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http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Obsessive_compulsive_disorder