Thursday, 2 April 2009

A Fool and Their Money are Easily Parted.

A quick update on the boys poker school that has been going on all week.

Final results are as follows

Ash 4 wins 3 second places.
Rhod 3 wins 3 second places.
Phil 1 win 2 second places.

Final Cash standings

Ash £35 up.
Rhod £20 up.
Phil £15 down.
Kev £40 down.

Kev's lack of appearance on the score sheet should be viewed as the philanthropic act of a beginner, that way he won’t hit us and might pay up the money he owes.

Don't try this at home.


The boys decided to demonstrate some jumps they'd perfected over the week in front of a chop house full of enthusiastic supporters. A nice downhil run with a pleasant lip providing the perfect launching pad. Here we see Rhod demonstrating how to nail the almost perfect landing, for which he recieved 7.4 from the judges.

Note. These jumps were performed by professional idiots on a closed area of off-piste. Do not try this at home, even if you can find a way of getting snow at the bottom of your stairs.

9.0


Ash gives a perfect example of his signature move, "Loose hands". He later admits that this was a last minute change of plan from his standard jump "Corporal Punsihment". Still, a nice move with plenty of skills on show.

9.9


A bit of ad-libbing this time as Rhod demonstrates "The Plover". Only a loose Camelback water pipe preventing him from achieving top marks.

Wednesday, 1 April 2009

Breaking news: It’s Déjà vu all over again!


News has just arrived fresh from the hill (Carrier Marmot) that a spat has erupted between tourists Evans and Carrick. Apparently Mr Carrick has taken the huge media interest in Evans’s tree incident last year as a personal slight. His response was both swift and devastating; he rode headlong into a tree. Not the most original of headline grabbers I’ll grant you, but effective nonetheless. As usual we aim to provide film footage of this curious event including a diagram of how he managed to extract himself unaided from what some observers have disparagingly described as “a very small bush”.

We hold our breath.

Time for an update.


We’ve arrived safe and well, no drama and no mishaps. An amusing evening in Lyon to start the holiday including a couple of French student bars. The students all appeared to be intent on out-frenching each other. Everywhere one looked there was a plethora of scraggly beards, pebble glasses and berets accompanied by the unmistakable whiff of Gaulloise. The only missing element from this pastiche was a chap in a blue striped jumper selling onions from his bicycle. We hung around for a bit but……

So, what’s the opposite of an all-in holiday? I’m not sure what they’re called but we’re on one. Obviously during these days of financial rectitude the boy’s paid close attention to costs when booking the holiday. Having said that there are a number of things one takes for granted. Certainly towels would be part of the deal in most places, but five quid per person for towels??? No thanks, we could buy some for that. I’d like to watch TV please? What’s that you say? Forty pounds? FORTY POUNDS? No. No thanks. Bugger off. You can also pay fifty quid to pay for your room to be cleaned. Guess what we decided to do??

Anyway, that’s the downside, the upside is plenty of snow, lots of nice runs and no queues. We’ve bagged quite a bit of the hill so far and it all seems quite nice. My only complaint would be the fog, which seems to be a bit persistent at the moment. On a lighter note I had an amusing few minutes chasing a runaway snowboard today (a first for me). Ash had left his board standing proudly in line with the rest of our planks in the snow at one of the nicer secluded mountain chop-houses. We’d been there a good quarter of an hour enjoying the sunshine when after listing to port for a minute or two the board fell over. We all laughed, and then it started moving, gathered a bit of speed and disappeared over the edge of the piste. Oh dear. I dashed over to my board, clipped in and without a thought for personal safety, launched myself into the fog that had suddenly appeared from nowhere. Thirty seconds later I’m on the middle of a piste with skiers passing either side, but no sign of the errant board. Fortunately the fog lifted and there it was about fifty yards away nestling in the snow like a bolted horse cropping the sweet grass of freedom. But with snow.

Apologies for the lack of updates but the French have focussed on the ‘less’ aspect of wireless which requires one to be in a certain room at a certain time wearing a pink carnation and sporting a financial times under your arm.

That's it for now, we're all suffering a bit today, partly due to the massive all dayer we had on the hill yesterday and partially because we stayed up late celebrating Ash's birthday.

More soon, inc pictures.

Thursday, 26 March 2009

Dawn Of The Shred


What's black and white and Shred all over

As the ever eloquent elucidator exemplifies earlier, we are almost on our way to the wonderfully titled Savoie (Savouè d'Avâl) Department in the French Alps, and more specifically to Valmeinier in which we have intentions of laying down long, sweeping carves over the piste, bowls and trees (Rhodri has fine form carving into trees, see the previous post Re-live the fateful day.)

But before we can show the EuroMalingerers the sick moves honed by two seasons of North American Hardcore Shred we need to get there. This does involve driving through idyll, as I imagine the Paris-Lyon leg of our journey will become with the rolling countryside surrounding us. It's the EuroTunnel portion that gets me little anxious - a travel fire extinguisher has been packed just in case.

But of course we jest. We have utmost respect for all things French and German and will be representing the courteous demeanour that our Continental Cousins come to expect of the British. SO great care must be taken not to mention any of the following:

  • 'Jokes' about the war (or about the other war (in fact all wars))
  • Politics
  • The Feckin Credit Crunch
  • Cultural Stereotypes
Which should limit our conversational potential too The Art of Snow, Beer, Food and Merry Making - which is just as it should be.

Adieu

Tuesday, 24 March 2009

What the Dickens?


Great Expectations.

Well, the school bell is about to ring and we’re all set to go. Bags packed, socks rolled up, snowboards waxed and pants turned inside out.

What can we expect from this years winter sojourn I wonder? Let’s look at the facts.

Firstly we start the week with a lovely road trip through the delightful French countryside during early springtime. The opportunity to sample the sights as we cruise down empty autoroutes is one not to be missed. Spring is in the air, the buds are bursting from their winters shell, the birds are singing and hygiene conscious Frenchmen are contemplating a new pair of underpants.

A Tale of Two Cities.

Once we arrive at our destination, the twin resorts of Valloire and Valmeinier the fun really starts. There are plenty of runs to explore, nineteen greens, twenty five blues twenty one reds and eight cheeky blacks to complete the set. The boys, keen to let their OCD* tendencies flourish, plan to try and “Bag” as many of them as possible. There are nine mountain restaurants “Chop Houses” if you will, which we also plan to visit as part of the overall mountain experience. Our only hope is that there aren’t too many mogul runs. These are normally fairly steep pistes which our skier friends, for reasons best known to themselves then turn into “The Devils Goosbumps”. Suffice to say most snowboarders find them tedious and unnecessary in the extreme.

Bleak House.

Attention now turns to the accommodation and facilities.
The brochure claims “Les Hauts de Valmeinier, built “Chalet-Style”, is situated directly on the slope in the highest part of Valmeinier. Restaurants, supermarkets and sports shops are located nearby. The centre of Valmeinier is only approx 250m away. The accommodation has a pool and fitness room.”
TRANSLATION
“Les Hauts de Valmeinier is a small apartment halfway up a mountain near the top of a lift, close to a recent avalanche. Shops are approx 250m away down a cliff. The accommodation has a pool which will be full of Germans and a gym gathering dust.”

Amusingly the brochure also claims the apartment is “Spacious by French standards”. I think I can now safely reveal, having received all monies for the holiday, that we will be staying in German owned accommodation, hence their withering appraisal of French habitation standards. At least the lifts will be on time.

The swimming pool has caused quite a bit of excitement prior to departure and as is often the case in these sort of resorts, the house rules differ somewhat from the usual British stuff. No bombing, diving, heavy petting etc has been replaced by “Boxer style swim shorts not allowed in pool!” One can only presume this is on grounds of hygiene, although why the French have chosen to go over the top on this item is odd when you consider their usual bohemian approach to personal cleanliness. I guess it’s the German influence again.

Hard Times.

What will the weather be like? Frankly I don’t know. I do expect there to be some snow and some sun, probably a bit of wind as well. I could check with the BBC weather centre, but frankly I’d be better off consulting a bit of seaweed in a jam jar. The best part about going at this time of year is the prospect of sunshine late into the evening something that will allow the boys to rest their weary legs in the evening calm, drink in hand, sunglasses perched jauntily on the forehead and after-sun soothing frazzled skin. Just remember not to fall asleep as it can get a bit parky later on.

The Lazy Tour of Two Idle Apprentices.

And what of our hosts? It’s an interesting part of the world. Whilst in France we’re only a couple of miles from Northern Italy (The smartly attired posh ones). Stranger still, we’ll be surrounded by Germans, something the French and Italians have had a bit more practice at than us. All in all an eclectic mix of nationalities, let’s hope we can all be friends.
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*OCD. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.
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Monday, 9 March 2009

They're Back!


Yes!
Yes! It’s that time of year again. Your favourite humorous self aggrandising holiday blog is back, and this time, we’re frivolous.
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Gravity!
This years top mountain destination is the Valmeinier-Valloire combination of the French region Savoie. The area has all the ingredients us monkeys need for a week of gravity powered fun. It’s cheap too!
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Sumptuous!
Regular readers will no doubt be confused by this years choice of a European destination. One only has to consider the fulsome praise lavished on our North American resorts last season where sumptuous on-piste dining and comfort facilities scored particularly well compared with their dowdy European counterparts.
The circumstances surrounding the shift of venue this year are diverse. Some of the team felt keenly about a responsibility to reduce our carbon footprint…… particularly whilst the dollar is so strong compared to the ailing pound. No ten hour flight to San Francisco for us this year. Shamefaced at our previous attitude towards transatlantic air travel we going green and relying on the good old motor car to get us where we want to go. A resolution to support the larger European family and a philanthropic desire to prop up the ailing French economy has certainly played its part in the recent volte-face. Frankly though it’s the credit-crunch that has had the most telling impact on our choice this year, that and the perpetually mystifying lack of “Fat Cat” style bonuses. “Cheap and cheerful please, were all skint".

Van?
So who’s going? Perennial tourists Phil Ashworth an Rhodri Evans will once again be leading the van in the assault on Europes finest slopes. The battle is further joined by two more crowd-pleasing picks and returning tourists Kevin Carrick and Ashley Georgeson to make up what can rightly be considered something of a touring dream team. (Think Harlem Globetrotters on snow)
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Exotic.
Tell me more about the resort blogmaster! I hear you say. Well, the two villages of Valloire and Valmeinier straddle the three small valleys that make up the Galibier-Thabor ski area. Only a couple of miles from Italy there are plenty of resorts in the proximity. Indeed the team are provisionally planning an excursion to the exotic delights of Sauze d’Oulx which is just the other side of the Frejus tunnel. It's a re-visit for one of the monkeys, but who???

Austrians?
One facet of the holiday we are anticipating an improvement on compared with last season is in the crucial area of Apres-Ski. No-one does mental snow related disco-bar-restaurants like the French, except perhaps the Austrians. But we’re not going there so it’s “bonjour” Pierre and “he-he-he-he-he-hello” badly mixed Europop.
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Ramping!
Countdown posts will be ramping up the excitement over the next couple of weeks in preparation for departure on the 27th of March, live updates being available soon after. A new addition this year will see the introduction of a “Cut out and Keep” list of runs completed all strictly categorised for the budding obsessive-compulsive amongst you. (A first for a British Blogsite)
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See you soon.
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Rhodri.