L'homme Invisible

Who is this mystery man? Lord Lucan? Reginald Iolanthe Perrin? Richey Edwards? Glen Miller or even Franny Jeffers?

It's Phil actually, can't you tell?

Le Bon Jovi

Made famous by John Bon Jovi. Made brilliant by Ashley Georgeson. The very epitome of slopeside nonchalance and debonair. What more need be said.

Le Gandalf

"Le Gandalf" needs no introduction. Nonetheless, here's one anyway. Le Gandalf, winner of the St Sorlin d'arves hat and scarf show's best in breed gold rossette for a record first time.

Below The Line......

Being in the Powder Monkey crew is certainly no easy life. Below, we can see behind the scenes footage of 'the talent' being prepared for the chop house photo shoot. Powder Monkeys, where there's a daft face to be pulled, we're there at the front of the queue. Except in France where they don't have them.

Le Demi Gandalf

Le Demi Gandalf is basically a "Half Mast" Gandalf, but should only be worn when a member of the royal family dies.

My Left Leg.

My left leg threw a sickie a few months ago. I guess it must have woken up one morning and thought “Bugger it. I’ll have a few days off”. Those few days quickly turned into a few weeks and before I knew what was going on, I was carrying a passenger. More accurately my right leg was carrying a passenger. Stairs, walking, cycling and many more activities were pooh-poohed by my errant left perambulatory limb. As some kind of conscientious objector my left leg was living the life of Riley while poor old right leg was taking on the (not inconsequential) burden of all that extra work. As a result of its sloth, left leg became lame and withered while reliable old right leg, became sturdy and strong, muscles bulging and sinews taut.

Of course, it was only a matter of time before all this idleness came home to roost. Well yesterday was that time. You may be able to swing the lead when you’re out on a walk or riding a bike, but snowboarding is a different matter. Yesterday my left leg had to put in a shift at the snow-face and I can tell you, it’s not happy. The pain starts in the lower ankle, flares up again in the knee and follows through with muscular spasms in the thighs. Only the lower arse seems to be bearing it’s burden with dignity.

I’ve applied the usual remedy (God bless you Nurofen Gel) but secretly I’m quite pleased it’s had its come-uppance. Better still I’ve a nice surprise in store for it today, plenty more downhill’s and maybe, if I’m feeling mean (which is often the case) a mogul field or two.

That should teach it a lesson.

The Boys Arrrrr Back!

Nous Sommes Arrivé

First impressions arriving into Saint Sorlin were excellent - french birds pushing in at the check-in desk, €25 four drink rounds, reblechontastic Savoyarde pizza, melting snow and rain.

Brilliant.

Last night entailed rest and recuperation in Aix les Bains - we struggled to find les bains but we did manage to siphon a couple of extra beds from a hotel corridor/walk-in wardrobe. I'm sure we would all rather risk the gendarme of the law than cuddling up to Rhodri for a nights kip.

alors, shockingly we have superb wireless internet access. This is more than made up by the lack of balcony and warm Desperados.

Last word must go to the excitement of the 'morrow, which will see us taking our first sweet, sweet ride, pausing only to stare out marmottes.

Below The Line......

Powder Monkey new boy Matthew, is shown below actively participating on our journey down to Portsmouth. And on the ferry to Le Havre. And whilst driving down to Aix les Bains. And in the Barrock at Saint Sorlin. Bless.

Nobody Said It Was Going To Be Easy

Bringing a new member into the fold is always a ticklish business and when they’re a novice to boot one should try doubly hard to make them feel at home. To this end the Powder Monkeys have sought out the advice of the good and the great of previous tours in an attempt to help Matt find his feet in those trying first few days on the slope.
We’ll start with Ashley Georgeson, the most recent beginner in the team.


PM: Ash, what lessons would you pass on to Matt as he takes his first timorous steps on to the slopes.

AG: Well, those early days on a hill are always going to be hard, so, it’s important to conserve your energy wherever possible. Obviously I like to save my energy by having lots of rest off the hill, but its on-piste that the clever rider is really able to make a difference.
Firstly, don’t expend vital resources by slowing down. Let gravity and nature take its course and head directly downhill towards the nearest blind crest. It might look dangerous, but that’s rarely the case in practice. Also don’t be fooled by those clever instructor types with their funny little turns and rules of the hill. Straight lines are where it’s at. They don’t want you to go quickly because you might realise that lessons are for losers and subsequently ask for your money back.
Secondly, try aiming at things. This isn’t as daft as it sounds. As a beginner your skill levels fall a little short of what is needed in the accuracy stakes. See some skiers coming in from the left? So what, aim right for them, you’ll never hit them in a million years, and anyway, if you do, they’re only skiers and we know they all love a good moan.
Finally, it’s the huge effort of coming to a halt that really gets the old lactic acid build up in your thighs (the boarders Achilles heel). So, why not use your surroundings as a brake. This usually means careening into your mates at unabated speed, often with hilarious consequences. One word of warning though, don’t shout things like “Watch out” or “Out of my way” at them as this can give the nippier and more attentive ones the chance to get out of the way.

PM: Well thanks Ash. Some real gems for the beginner there. Let’s turn now to Rhod. Someone once said of Rhod “Watching him nail a turn is a bit like watching Frank Bruno in a tutu pretending to be Darcey Bussell dancing Swan Lake. He can do it but not in a way you’d expect and certainly not in a way that’s pleasing to the eye”

RE: I remember well my first snowboarding trip. Those exiting pain filled days and hazy wine filled nights. I think the approach we took on that first trip would stand any young boarder in good stead as he applies himself to learning the basics.
What you really need is a large group of people you don’t know, who’s idea of a good night out in the resort is to each drink two bottles of wine over dinner(often whilst standing naked on a chalet table reciting rugby songs) followed by ten minutes of hard vomiting (extra points if you can project your efforts into the motif of a national flag ) then be in bed by seven o’clock sharp. This leaves the resort almost empty of British idiot-boys so the novice winter sports enthusiast can explore at his leisure
Subsequently, when you and your fellow novices return from the pub you should be kept awake by the machine gun snores emanating from the other rooms in the chalet and the gag-inducing miasmas creeping out of the fondu restaurant next door. The upshot of this is that you have every incentive to get out into the quiet fresh air of the hill the next morning. It’s never a problem to wake up by eight in the morning to go to lessons as you never went to sleep in the first place! Finally if someone suggests you do a certain run “’cos it looks nice and flat” have a good long think about the mechanics of snowboarding, the important role gravity plays in the process and then hit them, repeatedly if necessary.
Luckily we didn’t pick up to many bad habits from that first trip other than a fondness for Genepi.

PM: Eh, thanks Rhod, not sure what the advice was there, but thanks anyway, let’s move on. Steve Darcy is next.

SD. Hello chap. One of my greatest bug-bears is that as a novice you tend to be at the whim of lily livered foreign types who don’t know the first thing about discipline, so I’d like to focus more on what I’d do if I were an instructor.
Learners these days have everything done for them. That’s rubbish. It’s the culture of failure where everything is a positive even when you’re clearly quite crap. Well, I’d soon put a stop to all that with Steve Darcy’s Snowboarding Boot Camp. (SDSBC)
The key to it all is to keep them on their toes (unless they need to be turning on a heel, but erm.... well, you know what I mean). When out on the hill with my charges I’d keep them alert by making lots of sudden darting movements across the piste (almost as if I was out of control, even though I wasn’t). Moving about like a stabbed rat in a pinball machine you soon find out who’s got their eyes on the prize. This fulfils Steve Darcys First Law Of Snowboarding. Stay Alert! I wouldn’t confine my activities to the pistes either. Wait until the unsuspecting beginner gets on to a ski lift for an undeserved rest then, just as his relieved buttocks kiss the foam padding , give him a quick jab in the ribs and launch him face first into the snow/catch netting. They love it, and to prove it they’ll often bellow oaths and improbable suggestions after you as you speed up the hill giggling to yourself.
Lastly, beginners can become quite tiring, if this happens, simply get yourself a couple of bottles of red wine at the local mountain chop-house and fall asleep with half a book, they soon lose interest and shuffle off on their own.

PM: Brilliant Steve. Finally, we have a few words of wisdom from the man himself Phil Ashworth.

PA:Thanks PM. My advice is more spiritual than practical. I think it’s important to focus on the inner man. To this end I like to adopt a boarding persona when I’m out on the hill. I even go as far as to wear the right gear so that I bear more than a passing resemblance to my alter-ego.
In my case this is none other than the hero of snowboarders everywhere and all round good bloke/robot C3P0. Yes, leading light of the Star Wars films and my special pal, C3P0 is my guide, my mentor and fashion guru all rolled into one.
It’s not just the look that makes him special, it’s his bravery and style that set the example for us all.
Remember if you’re on the hill, and your resolve is slipping, even if you just fancy a sit down in the middle of the piste for a quick suck on the hip flask, just think “What would C3P0 do in this situation”.

PM: Well chaps, that’s great all round advice. If I were you Matt, I’d cancel those lessons now, with friends like this you’re sure to be flying down the slopes in no time.

Return of the Famous Four.

Joy! Winters nadir is a distant memory and an excitingly snowy New Year once again heralds our return to the slopes. Eager as we are in our pursuit of the ideal winter holiday, we’ve spotted a likely haunt and we’re ready for some fun. Our destination this time is the mysterious Saint Sorlin d’Arves.

Now then, were ski resorts girls at a disco, then for us St Sorlin would bea pretty girl whom we know so little about. She may turn out to be dull, like cats and dance self-consciously whilst wittering on about the romantic poets. Or, on the other hand, she may be the broad minded daughter of a brewery magnate who’s after a bit of rough. We’re yet to find out (brewery heiress with luck). However, that’s all part of the fun of trying new places, you never know when you’ll bump into a brewery heiress, myopic supermodel or “actress”. Just thank God Tiger Woods doesn’t ski.

The truth of the matter is that we’re circling the room dancing with as many girls as we can. All the time casting meaningful looks at our former belle, the ever saucy Val d’Isere, with her pretty white dress, obvious charms and an entourage of eager suitors. Tart! You’ll be back! (So will we)

Anyway this year we’ve brought some new blood into the team; We still have Ashley(youthful exuberance), Phil(experienced Himalayan explorer) and Rhod(grumpy, plump, insurance-risk). But, we’ve also recruited Matt (tea-boy and poker school victim). Matt is a first time boarder (long time reader) and has the joys of ski school to look forward to. If I remember correctly this involves a bunch of gauche French types who’s “ teaching” technique (if you’re a bloke) entails pointing, shouting and shrugging, but switches to close contact body moulding, meaningful glances and smouldering pouts if you’re a woman anywhere between ten and a hundred. Good luck Matt!!

In a bid to make the trip as complicated as possible, we’ve decided on a multi-transport, multi-destination pfaffathon involving cars, overnight ferries, the tunnel and a number of interesting French towns to explore. Plus Lens, which is a bit of a dump. We’re quite looking forwards to Aix les Bains, alpine spa town and night number two on our itinerary. Aix hosts a large collection of Rodin’s art, the second largest in France (possible museum trip ahoy!) and between 1948 and 1960 hosted motor races around the streets of the town with luminaries such as Stirling Moss and Jean Behra making appearances.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Aix_les_Bains

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Aix_les_Bains_Circuit_du_Lac

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Saint-Jean-d'Arves

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Les_Sybelles

A Fool and Their Money are Easily Parted.

A quick update on the boys poker school that has been going on all week.

Final results are as follows

Ash 4 wins 3 second places.
Rhod 3 wins 3 second places.
Phil 1 win 2 second places.

Final Cash standings

Ash £35 up.
Rhod £20 up.
Phil £15 down.
Kev £40 down.

Kev's lack of appearance on the score sheet should be viewed as the philanthropic act of a beginner, that way he won’t hit us and might pay up the money he owes.

Don't try this at home.

The boys decided to demonstrate some jumps they'd perfected over the week in front of a chop house full of enthusiastic supporters. A nice downhil run with a pleasant lip providing the perfect launching pad. Here we see Rhod demonstrating how to nail the almost perfect landing, for which he recieved 7.4 from the judges.

Note. These jumps were performed by professional idiots on a closed area of off-piste. Do not try this at home, even if you can find a way of getting snow at the bottom of your stairs.

9.0

Ash gives a perfect example of his signature move, "Loose hands". He later admits that this was a last minute change of plan from his standard jump "Corporal Punsihment". Still, a nice move with plenty of skills on show.

9.9

A bit of ad-libbing this time as Rhod demonstrates "The Plover". Only a loose Camelback water pipe preventing him from achieving top marks.

Breaking news: It’s Déjà vu all over again!

News has just arrived fresh from the hill (Carrier Marmot) that a spat has erupted between tourists Evans and Carrick. Apparently Mr Carrick has taken the huge media interest in Evans’s tree incident last year as a personal slight. His response was both swift and devastating; he rode headlong into a tree. Not the most original of headline grabbers I’ll grant you, but effective nonetheless. As usual we aim to provide film footage of this curious event including a diagram of how he managed to extract himself unaided from what some observers have disparagingly described as “a very small bush”.

We hold our breath.

Time for an update.

We’ve arrived safe and well, no drama and no mishaps. An amusing evening in Lyon to start the holiday including a couple of French student bars. The students all appeared to be intent on out-frenching each other. Everywhere one looked there was a plethora of scraggly beards, pebble glasses and berets accompanied by the unmistakable whiff of Gaulloise. The only missing element from this pastiche was a chap in a blue striped jumper selling onions from his bicycle. We hung around for a bit but……

So, what’s the opposite of an all-in holiday? I’m not sure what they’re called but we’re on one. Obviously during these days of financial rectitude the boy’s paid close attention to costs when booking the holiday. Having said that there are a number of things one takes for granted. Certainly towels would be part of the deal in most places, but five quid per person for towels??? No thanks, we could buy some for that. I’d like to watch TV please? What’s that you say? Forty pounds? FORTY POUNDS? No. No thanks. Bugger off. You can also pay fifty quid to pay for your room to be cleaned. Guess what we decided to do??

Anyway, that’s the downside, the upside is plenty of snow, lots of nice runs and no queues. We’ve bagged quite a bit of the hill so far and it all seems quite nice. My only complaint would be the fog, which seems to be a bit persistent at the moment. On a lighter note I had an amusing few minutes chasing a runaway snowboard today (a first for me). Ash had left his board standing proudly in line with the rest of our planks in the snow at one of the nicer secluded mountain chop-houses. We’d been there a good quarter of an hour enjoying the sunshine when after listing to port for a minute or two the board fell over. We all laughed, and then it started moving, gathered a bit of speed and disappeared over the edge of the piste. Oh dear. I dashed over to my board, clipped in and without a thought for personal safety, launched myself into the fog that had suddenly appeared from nowhere. Thirty seconds later I’m on the middle of a piste with skiers passing either side, but no sign of the errant board. Fortunately the fog lifted and there it was about fifty yards away nestling in the snow like a bolted horse cropping the sweet grass of freedom. But with snow.

Apologies for the lack of updates but the French have focussed on the ‘less’ aspect of wireless which requires one to be in a certain room at a certain time wearing a pink carnation and sporting a financial times under your arm.

That's it for now, we're all suffering a bit today, partly due to the massive all dayer we had on the hill yesterday and partially because we stayed up late celebrating Ash's birthday.

More soon, inc pictures.

Dawn Of The Shred

As the ever eloquent elucidator exemplifies earlier, we are almost on our way to the wonderfully titled Savoie (Savouè d'Avâl) Department in the French Alps, and more specifically to Valmeinier in which we have intentions of laying down long, sweeping carves over the piste, bowls and trees (Rhodri has fine form carving into trees, see the previous post Re-live the fateful day.)

But before we can show the EuroMalingerers the sick moves honed by two seasons of North American Hardcore Shred we need to get there. This does involve driving through idyll, as I imagine the Paris-Lyon leg of our journey will become with the rolling countryside surrounding us. It's the EuroTunnel portion that gets me little anxious - a travel fire extinguisher has been packed just in case.

But of course we jest. We have utmost respect for all things French and German and will be representing the courteous demeanour that our Continental Cousins come to expect of the British. SO great care must be taken not to mention any of the following:

• 'Jokes' about the war (or about the other war (in fact all wars))
  
• Politics
• The Feckin Credit Crunch
  
• Cultural Stereotypes

Which should limit our conversational potential too The Art of Snow, Beer, Food and Merry Making - which is just as it should be.

Adieu