Bringing a new member into the fold is always a ticklish business and when they’re a novice to boot one should try doubly hard to make them feel at home. To this end the Powder Monkeys have sought out the advice of the good and the great of previous tours in an attempt to help Matt find his feet in those trying first few days on the slope.
We’ll start with Ashley Georgeson, the most recent beginner in the team.
PM: Ash, what lessons would you pass on to Matt as he takes his first timorous steps on to the slopes.
AG: Well, those early days on a hill are always going to be hard, so, it’s important to conserve your energy wherever possible. Obviously I like to save my energy by having lots of rest off the hill, but its on-piste that the clever rider is really able to make a difference.
Firstly, don’t expend vital resources by slowing down. Let gravity and nature take its course and head directly downhill towards the nearest blind crest. It might look dangerous, but that’s rarely the case in practice. Also don’t be fooled by those clever instructor types with their funny little turns and rules of the hill. Straight lines are where it’s at. They don’t want you to go quickly because you might realise that lessons are for losers and subsequently ask for your money back.
Secondly, try aiming at things. This isn’t as daft as it sounds. As a beginner your skill levels fall a little short of what is needed in the accuracy stakes. See some skiers coming in from the left? So what, aim right for them, you’ll never hit them in a million years, and anyway, if you do, they’re only skiers and we know they all love a good moan.
Finally, it’s the huge effort of coming to a halt that really gets the old lactic acid build up in your thighs (the boarders Achilles heel). So, why not use your surroundings as a brake. This usually means careening into your mates at unabated speed, often with hilarious consequences. One word of warning though, don’t shout things like “Watch out” or “Out of my way” at them as this can give the nippier and more attentive ones the chance to get out of the way.
PM: Well thanks Ash. Some real gems for the beginner there. Let’s turn now to Rhod. Someone once said of Rhod “Watching him nail a turn is a bit like watching Frank Bruno in a tutu pretending to be Darcey Bussell dancing Swan Lake. He can do it but not in a way you’d expect and certainly not in a way that’s pleasing to the eye”
RE: I remember well my first snowboarding trip. Those exiting pain filled days and hazy wine filled nights. I think the approach we took on that first trip would stand any young boarder in good stead as he applies himself to learning the basics.
What you really need is a large group of people you don’t know, who’s idea of a good night out in the resort is to each drink two bottles of wine over dinner(often whilst standing naked on a chalet table reciting rugby songs) followed by ten minutes of hard vomiting (extra points if you can project your efforts into the motif of a national flag ) then be in bed by seven o’clock sharp. This leaves the resort almost empty of British idiot-boys so the novice winter sports enthusiast can explore at his leisure
Subsequently, when you and your fellow novices return from the pub you should be kept awake by the machine gun snores emanating from the other rooms in the chalet and the gag-inducing miasmas creeping out of the fondu restaurant next door. The upshot of this is that you have every incentive to get out into the quiet fresh air of the hill the next morning. It’s never a problem to wake up by eight in the morning to go to lessons as you never went to sleep in the first place! Finally if someone suggests you do a certain run “’cos it looks nice and flat” have a good long think about the mechanics of snowboarding, the important role gravity plays in the process and then hit them, repeatedly if necessary.
Luckily we didn’t pick up to many bad habits from that first trip other than a fondness for Genepi.
PM: Eh, thanks Rhod, not sure what the advice was there, but thanks anyway, let’s move on. Steve Darcy is next.
SD. Hello chap. One of my greatest bug-bears is that as a novice you tend to be at the whim of lily livered foreign types who don’t know the first thing about discipline, so I’d like to focus more on what I’d do if I were an instructor.
Learners these days have everything done for them. That’s rubbish. It’s the culture of failure where everything is a positive even when you’re clearly quite crap. Well, I’d soon put a stop to all that with Steve Darcy’s Snowboarding Boot Camp. (SDSBC)
The key to it all is to keep them on their toes (unless they need to be turning on a heel, but erm.... well, you know what I mean). When out on the hill with my charges I’d keep them alert by making lots of sudden darting movements across the piste (almost as if I was out of control, even though I wasn’t). Moving about like a stabbed rat in a pinball machine you soon find out who’s got their eyes on the prize. This fulfils Steve Darcys First Law Of Snowboarding. Stay Alert! I wouldn’t confine my activities to the pistes either. Wait until the unsuspecting beginner gets on to a ski lift for an undeserved rest then, just as his relieved buttocks kiss the foam padding , give him a quick jab in the ribs and launch him face first into the snow/catch netting. They love it, and to prove it they’ll often bellow oaths and improbable suggestions after you as you speed up the hill giggling to yourself.
Lastly, beginners can become quite tiring, if this happens, simply get yourself a couple of bottles of red wine at the local mountain chop-house and fall asleep with half a book, they soon lose interest and shuffle off on their own.
PM: Brilliant Steve. Finally, we have a few words of wisdom from the man himself Phil Ashworth.
PA:Thanks PM. My advice is more spiritual than practical. I think it’s important to focus on the inner man. To this end I like to adopt a boarding persona when I’m out on the hill. I even go as far as to wear the right gear so that I bear more than a passing resemblance to my alter-ego.
In my case this is none other than the hero of snowboarders everywhere and all round good bloke/robot C3P0. Yes, leading light of the Star Wars films and my special pal, C3P0 is my guide, my mentor and fashion guru all rolled into one.
It’s not just the look that makes him special, it’s his bravery and style that set the example for us all.
Remember if you’re on the hill, and your resolve is slipping, even if you just fancy a sit down in the middle of the piste for a quick suck on the hip flask, just think “What would C3P0 do in this situation”.
PM: Well chaps, that’s great all round advice. If I were you Matt, I’d cancel those lessons now, with friends like this you’re sure to be flying down the slopes in no time.
